I have visited sexual and relationship addiction websites, but I don't feel like they describe me at all, though I've always had extra relationships. Yes, I'll share my story sometime, but just not yet.
I found a really good article about the distinction from Kathy Labriola I'd like to share with an excerpt from it.
Sex Addiction and Polyamory, and How to Tell the Difference
I feel it is important for "poly" people to understand both sex addiction and love and relationship addiction, for at least two reasons, First of all, being knowledgeable allows us to articulately counter charges that all poly people are addicts. Second, if we know and recognize the signs and symptoms of sex and relationship addiction we can avoid getting involved with addicted people.
Some people who claim to be polyamorous are really sex or relationship addicts using polyamory as a philosophical excuse to act out compulsive and destructive relationship patterns. Just as some people choose monogamy for unhealthy reasons or to hide their dysfunctional relationship behaviors, people may choose polyamory as a cover-up for their addictive behavior. People who have an addictive relationship with sex or love make very poor relationship partners in general, and they are not good candidates for successful poly relationships. They are too self-centered and too caught up in their own addictive disease to be capable of real intimacy or of truly loving anyone. If you recognize the warning signs, you can save yourself and your other partners a lot of grief by avoiding involvement with them. If you recognize some of these traits in yourself or in someone you are involved with already, you can minimize the damage to your relationships by seeking counseling or other types of healing support.
While I tend to be a little self-centered (after all, aren't all writers self-absorbed, just a little bit anyway?), I do care quite a lot about other people, my husband, my children. I recently 'broke up' with a new friend because it was hurting my husband. It wasn't worth the pain it was causing him. Even though it was a little difficult at first, I don't think I would have been able to end it if I was truly sex or relationship addicted.
She goes on to say:
Healthy poly people prioritize sex and intimate relationships in their lives and devote a significant amount of time and energy to creating and sustaining love relationships. Some focus more attention on emotional intimacy and relationships, while others are more oriented towards recreational sex and emphasize sex more than long-term relationships. However, despite our focus on sex and/or relationships, we are not addicted to sex or relationships. I don't mind getting personal and using myself as an example. I often jokingly explain "I am a sex maniac, not a sex addict," and I often describe myself as a "relationship enthusiast" rather than a love and relationship addict. I use the terms "sex maniac" and "relationship enthusiast" despite the negative connotations, as I feel they convey that I love sex and relationships and make them a priority in my life. However, sex and love are not the only focus in my life and I have a fulfilling and well-rounded life outside my relationships. Sex and relationships enhance my quality of life and bring me physical, emotional, and spiritual satisfaction. However, I am a whole person on my own, and could live a happy and meaningful life without sex and relationships. I call myself a sex maniac because I find that intense and loving sex makes me a warmer, more compassionate, and more open person in every other area of my life.
I find this to be true. I have a high priority on sex and intimate relationships I devote a significant amount of time and energy to creating and sustaining relationships. I do focus more on emotional intimacy and relating and and I would like to enjoy more recreational sex. However, I am a whole person on my own. I do have quite a few rewarding activities outside my relationships: I write, I photograph, I do art, I research a lot of things and attempt to take care of the emotional well-being of my husband and children (not always successfully). But I do enjoy my outside relationships too. They have enhanced my life and have brought me physical, emotional and spiritual satisfaction.
But they also brought me other things: emotional and spiritual pain, physical exhaustion and stress as well, knowing I was hurting my husband to trying to have these outside relationships without his full knowledge and consent with my intentions. It was not fun at all when I'd get into trouble for taking too much time away from my husband, or from trying to hide questionable text messages or emails from him. Slimy on my part, I know.
I had been deceitful trying to maintain outside relationships, and that is not the route I want to take anymore...which is why I am blogging about it...rather than pursuing some damaging course.
I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't know that the poly life is what I want. What I do know is that the cheating life is something I definitely do not want to participate in anymore.
Have a great weekend!
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