You don't have to do it - polyamory, that is.

This is a post for my husband, since he's not here on this fine Saturday morning, but in massage school, offering his healing touch to others.   This one is for him, who has graciously allowed me to explore the idea of polyamory with him. 


From Wikipedia

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved.

Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse. Most polygamous cultures are traditionally polygynous, where one husband has multiple wives. Polyandrous societies, in which one wife has multiple husbands, are less common but do exist.^[2] Marriage is not a requirement in polyamorous relationships.

The "knowledge and consent of all partners concerned"^[3] is a defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships. Distinguishing polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved.^[4][5] As of July 2009, it was estimated that more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships existed in the United States.^[6][7]

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, polyamory may embark on a polyamorous relationship when single or already in a monogamous relationship. Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships, which commonly consist of people seeking to build long-term relationships with more than one person on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationships.

In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiation of boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.^[8] 

Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. The skills and attitudes needed to manage polyamorous relationships add challenges that are not often found in the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships. Polyamory may require a more fluid and flexible approach to love relationship, and yet operate on a complex system of boundaries or rules. Additionally, participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have, nor expect their partners to have, preconceptions as to the duration of the relationship, in contrast to monogamous marriages where a life-long union is generally the goal. However, polyamorous relationships can and do last many years.

XeroMag has a great pdf on Poly101, a great resource for what poly is and some myths about it.

If you take sex out of the equation (though sometimes not), I have been engaged in polyamory.  I have had intimate relationships with a few men at the same time most of my adult life.  When I got married I was never asked to give up these close friendships.  My husband frequently quipped about all my boyfriends, but never forbid me to go out with them.

Let me say this: I am not necessarily a poly person and I didn't know it (though I may very well be).  I was a cheating spouse, and my husband is extraordinarily patient and understanding and I'd say of the two of us, he is more compassionate.  He is definitely wonderful than I have ever imagined a person could be.

Now that he's in massage school and has female friends he goes out with...I think he's getting the idea of how nice it is to spend time with the opposite sex and seeing the perspective of other women.  One of his friends is like a 'buddy' to him - she likes the Blackhawks too and they will go out to watch a little bit of the game sometimes.

I think it's safe to say he's understanding the appeal of having the freedom to go out with friends of the opposite sex and know that I don't feel jealous.  This is something relatively new for him.  He's gone out with the boys plenty of times, but not out with girl friends.  I like it. 

We are talking more openly in the past few months about attractions to the opposite sex.  Because for the longest time, he would say, "No, I never think about other women", but more recently, he revealed to me that he had attractions to certain women.  Thank God for that revelation! I was beginning to think he was really Puritanical or not really into women (not that there's anything wrong with that).

But, even so, I am still on the fence about transitioning to a poly relationship.  After all, I don't have irresistible urges to sleep with my male friends (though I have had urges I could resist a few times).  Going out to dinner with them and talking about their lives and mine and getting a hug afterward is really very nice.  Hugs are awesome.

My husband has been a little bit saddened by the fact that sometimes I would like to sleep with other men, but he's been trying to be very supportive.  But the strain and stress and sadness I saw in him for a few days after that discussion has been difficult.

I realized something very important.  My husband's feelings are very important to me, more than ever.  For a long time, they weren't as important to me as my own.  Part of the reason for my detachment was a protective mechanism - related to his binge-drinking in the past and some of the things he'd done after it, and all the fighting we did about it.  But we've grown a lot in the past few months, due to many factors which I hope to get into sometime.

But suffice it to say for now I know he's been deeply hurt by some of my actions.  And it's not just that I know that he has been hurt, but that I finally do realize HIS happiness and HIS sadness is AS important as my own.   He'd helped me through so much of my own struggles, and it has finally sunk in how much he's invested in MY emotional welfare, that it is time to consider that his emotional welfare is as important as my own.

So, in doing so, I wanted to look at and present the devil's advocate side of things as I research all things poly.  My husband recently said to me, "I know you can't help the way you are", to which I had answered "but I am not so sure what way I am".  One thing is for sure, I can decide to not be in any outside relationships while I figure this out.

So...three days ago, I gave up a new friendship I recently started, because I knew the friend was interested in far too much than I was intending to provide (though finding it very difficult to resist).  I was surprised that it hurt to break things off (after all, it had only been about 3 weeks), and I am glad I did before any more time went on and it would hurt even more.  One thing I had since discovered was this: if you are currently in a monogamous relationship, but are considering poly, do not introduce other people into your lives without a full examination of this with your partner and you are both fully on board with it.

Even if you are sure you are emotionally ready for it, your partner may not be.  And if you engage in a poly relationship if your partner is still uncertain or afraid of it, there is a risk of all sorts of pain - not just for you and for your partner, but for the third party you've invited into your life.  They have feelings too.  And what's more, THEY might not be willing to be emotionally entangled in an emotional mess either while you and your primary partner sort things out.

If you are poly-minded, but your partner/spouse is not, you have a LOT of emotional things to discuss before entangling someone else in your life.  I don't have a lot of resources on how to have these discussions, but I do have one article that I like:


The Polyamous Misanthrope writes in her post You Don't Have to Do It.

Maybe poly isn’t for you.
It’s not an enlightened way to be. It’s just a choice that works for some people. It’s a preference that has no more to do with goodness, enlightenment or value than preferring linguine to rice.

For my part, I am not sure poly works for me.  I like the idea of it, but of course there is the whole world of risk out there - from all kinds of icky diseases to pregnancy (husband is fixed, I am not and not on birth control) to being involved with crazy sex addicts.

Lots of things to chew on...