You don't have to do it - polyamory, that is.

This is a post for my husband, since he's not here on this fine Saturday morning, but in massage school, offering his healing touch to others.   This one is for him, who has graciously allowed me to explore the idea of polyamory with him. 


From Wikipedia

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved.

Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse. Most polygamous cultures are traditionally polygynous, where one husband has multiple wives. Polyandrous societies, in which one wife has multiple husbands, are less common but do exist.^[2] Marriage is not a requirement in polyamorous relationships.

The "knowledge and consent of all partners concerned"^[3] is a defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships. Distinguishing polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved.^[4][5] As of July 2009, it was estimated that more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships existed in the United States.^[6][7]

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, polyamory may embark on a polyamorous relationship when single or already in a monogamous relationship. Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships, which commonly consist of people seeking to build long-term relationships with more than one person on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationships.

In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiation of boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.^[8] 

Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. The skills and attitudes needed to manage polyamorous relationships add challenges that are not often found in the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships. Polyamory may require a more fluid and flexible approach to love relationship, and yet operate on a complex system of boundaries or rules. Additionally, participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have, nor expect their partners to have, preconceptions as to the duration of the relationship, in contrast to monogamous marriages where a life-long union is generally the goal. However, polyamorous relationships can and do last many years.

XeroMag has a great pdf on Poly101, a great resource for what poly is and some myths about it.

If you take sex out of the equation (though sometimes not), I have been engaged in polyamory.  I have had intimate relationships with a few men at the same time most of my adult life.  When I got married I was never asked to give up these close friendships.  My husband frequently quipped about all my boyfriends, but never forbid me to go out with them.

Let me say this: I am not necessarily a poly person and I didn't know it (though I may very well be).  I was a cheating spouse, and my husband is extraordinarily patient and understanding and I'd say of the two of us, he is more compassionate.  He is definitely wonderful than I have ever imagined a person could be.

Now that he's in massage school and has female friends he goes out with...I think he's getting the idea of how nice it is to spend time with the opposite sex and seeing the perspective of other women.  One of his friends is like a 'buddy' to him - she likes the Blackhawks too and they will go out to watch a little bit of the game sometimes.

I think it's safe to say he's understanding the appeal of having the freedom to go out with friends of the opposite sex and know that I don't feel jealous.  This is something relatively new for him.  He's gone out with the boys plenty of times, but not out with girl friends.  I like it. 

We are talking more openly in the past few months about attractions to the opposite sex.  Because for the longest time, he would say, "No, I never think about other women", but more recently, he revealed to me that he had attractions to certain women.  Thank God for that revelation! I was beginning to think he was really Puritanical or not really into women (not that there's anything wrong with that).

But, even so, I am still on the fence about transitioning to a poly relationship.  After all, I don't have irresistible urges to sleep with my male friends (though I have had urges I could resist a few times).  Going out to dinner with them and talking about their lives and mine and getting a hug afterward is really very nice.  Hugs are awesome.

My husband has been a little bit saddened by the fact that sometimes I would like to sleep with other men, but he's been trying to be very supportive.  But the strain and stress and sadness I saw in him for a few days after that discussion has been difficult.

I realized something very important.  My husband's feelings are very important to me, more than ever.  For a long time, they weren't as important to me as my own.  Part of the reason for my detachment was a protective mechanism - related to his binge-drinking in the past and some of the things he'd done after it, and all the fighting we did about it.  But we've grown a lot in the past few months, due to many factors which I hope to get into sometime.

But suffice it to say for now I know he's been deeply hurt by some of my actions.  And it's not just that I know that he has been hurt, but that I finally do realize HIS happiness and HIS sadness is AS important as my own.   He'd helped me through so much of my own struggles, and it has finally sunk in how much he's invested in MY emotional welfare, that it is time to consider that his emotional welfare is as important as my own.

So, in doing so, I wanted to look at and present the devil's advocate side of things as I research all things poly.  My husband recently said to me, "I know you can't help the way you are", to which I had answered "but I am not so sure what way I am".  One thing is for sure, I can decide to not be in any outside relationships while I figure this out.

So...three days ago, I gave up a new friendship I recently started, because I knew the friend was interested in far too much than I was intending to provide (though finding it very difficult to resist).  I was surprised that it hurt to break things off (after all, it had only been about 3 weeks), and I am glad I did before any more time went on and it would hurt even more.  One thing I had since discovered was this: if you are currently in a monogamous relationship, but are considering poly, do not introduce other people into your lives without a full examination of this with your partner and you are both fully on board with it.

Even if you are sure you are emotionally ready for it, your partner may not be.  And if you engage in a poly relationship if your partner is still uncertain or afraid of it, there is a risk of all sorts of pain - not just for you and for your partner, but for the third party you've invited into your life.  They have feelings too.  And what's more, THEY might not be willing to be emotionally entangled in an emotional mess either while you and your primary partner sort things out.

If you are poly-minded, but your partner/spouse is not, you have a LOT of emotional things to discuss before entangling someone else in your life.  I don't have a lot of resources on how to have these discussions, but I do have one article that I like:


The Polyamous Misanthrope writes in her post You Don't Have to Do It.

Maybe poly isn’t for you.
It’s not an enlightened way to be. It’s just a choice that works for some people. It’s a preference that has no more to do with goodness, enlightenment or value than preferring linguine to rice.

For my part, I am not sure poly works for me.  I like the idea of it, but of course there is the whole world of risk out there - from all kinds of icky diseases to pregnancy (husband is fixed, I am not and not on birth control) to being involved with crazy sex addicts.

Lots of things to chew on...

My vision for this blog

This blog will be a snapshot of my journey through my life exploring the themes of love, madness, friendship, relationship, creativity, sexuality, monogamy/polyamory, spirituality and my own interpretation of feminism, with the hopes of discovering my values, exploring my boundaries, and see how my personal dreams might coexist comfortably enough with the reality of raising a family.

Who am I?

I am a mother of three beautiful daughters with a very supportive, loving husband with whom I have come through some very difficult trials throughout our nearly 17 year relationship. I come from an upper middle class suburban family.  I went to college and had enough determination and intelligence to pursue a fairly challenging scientific career in the biotech field for a number of years before I came home to be with my daughters.

I have experienced a LOT of things in the course of my life that have influenced my current life-view:

Childhood emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse from my narcissistic mother, my alcoholic step-father and my oldest and youngest sister, abortion, miscarriage, co-dependency while my husband struggled with binge drinking, mistreatment during his binges, affairs (mine), and one attempt at a threesome with my husband and a male friend.

My husband and I came pretty close to giving up on each other more than a few times as we tried to navigate some of our very painful relationship concerns. I have been going through an identity, morality, and spirituality crisis.  He had been coping with some deep-seated esteem issues as well as my issues.

I share these things to give a little bit of background context, not to throw a pity-party. I may talk about some of these issues.  I may not.  It depends on if it's relevant to my thought process.

There is a quote that I just adore:

Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell.  Spirituality is for people who have already been there. ~ Bonnie Raitt

This blog arose out of a conversation with someone I have long admired, but keep fighting with, because I keep misunderstanding what he tries to tell me.

One of the last misunderstandings I had was about this exchange:

I've been trying to tell the truth to people, but I'm still dishonest.  I try to tell the truth as far as I can go with it. My husband is right.  I'll say one thing to him - with the intention of not just sparing his feelings and his ego, but also our marriage - but telling other people something else.

To which, he replied

If this is a realization, it is a poignant one. Remember what I said about the chameleon? You look like a shapeshifter to me--regarding your heart/soul, anyway.

And it hurt.  It hurt because it does seem very true.  It hurt so much that I didn't hear the caring underneath what I perceived as condemnation.  So much did it hurt that I said something mean to him, because I can't keep my damn mouth shut when I feel ashamed.  I can't just ask for clarification - I end up jumping the gun and saying rather mean things, rather than simply stating how things make me feel.  That's a shitty habit of mine.

But if I am a shape-shifter at all, it's because I had been struggling with co-dependency, and I hadn't determined who I am now, what it is I really need, what is I want and how to ask for (and accept I won't always get it), and how I am going to conduct myself in the future.

I am, at times, greatly ashamed for the choices I have made.  I am not a victim of my upbringing, or any life circumstance - though they've influenced my feelings- and I've never been at the mercy of anyone else in my relationships.  I suppose I had been (at times, anyway) at the mercy of my own intense emotions as I tried to cope with the trouble that I managed to get myself into.

I lived my life the best way I was able to, clouded at times by my own fears and insecurities.  I've missed out on having really good role models to emulate, though I've looked for examples in my real life.  I have also not had a clear understanding of what healthy boundaries are, and I compromised what weak boundaries I had established in order to be close to people I admired.

My behavior has resulted from my own inability to be truly honest about what I needed and wanted and to ask for those things, my inability to delay gratification of those needs and wants and saying no to the things I did not need and want.


I was not willing to let go of things that are not working for me.  I hadn't fully developed the capacity to do so.   Things that work, flow freely, uninhibited.  Things that don't, get caught up in a logjam.  And the things that don't work need to change, or be released.  It's that simple.

For most of my life, I was rational in my professional decisions.  My personal decisions were another story.  I was not committed to making fully conscious, well-thought-out choices in my relationships with people. And because of some number of years with logjammed communication with my husband, I was fearful that if I told my husband what I really felt, what I really thought I needed, he'd reject me.

I think too, with the way his esteem was for the longest time, he wasn't able to cope with some of these complex needs.

I had always assumed that there were only two choices. What family, society, religion, my husband expected me to be, or how I felt I wanted to be.   This created a terrible internal conflict at times.

In some ways, I'd successfully chose my path.  I was true to myself in some key ways.  My career and my decision to leave my career was my choice - but I really wasn't prepared for the reality of the identity crisis that ensued.  When children arrive, the choices are not without sacrificing something and this was always one of the key issues of feminism.  So is a women's sexuality. 

Each woman has to make peace with this conflict.  Whose needs are more important?  The individual's needs or the family's needs, the husband's or the wife's?  Here's my take - they are equally important.  Learning to compromise gracefully is the task that needs to happen.  I don't think many of us have found that to be an easy one.

I've been wrong about a lot of things, but one of the biggest things I'd been wrong about was the capacity of my husband to adapt to new information about me.   As more of the 'real' me comes out, he's a little surprised, but he's not running the other way.  After a period of adjustment where he has needed to assimilate new information, he is able to offer me  more empathetic support and I'm feel more safe to explore and discuss my hearts' wishes.  In turn, I'm finding myself more in awe of him, and realizing he is turning into someone I like very, very much again.


For the time being...I am considering myself to be a recovering relationship addict.   I'm also considering myself to be polyamorous.  Though, for right now, I'm not sure which it is.

I am in no official sex/love addiction program (but mostly because there aren't any around here). 

I have no sponsor.

I only have my husband...and this blog...and, a belief that I am competent and capable of making some decisions about how I want to conduct my affairs (pun intended).

I am not sure I want to get 'fixed'.

I simply want to learn how to change what's not working for us into something that can work for us.

My husband and I are in discussions about polyamory, so that cheating and secret-keeping won't be necessary.

Because of  my new commitment to live with emotional honesty in my relationships, I am committed to determining just what my values, my wants and needs are and just where my boundaries lie.v  And I'm learning that delaying gratification is imperative while I figure this out (learning the hard way, I might add, not because these things are self-evident to me).

I know there are a few blogs out there about polyamory.  This is my personal space to write out my thoughts and feelings regarding exploring new frontiers in words before acting on them and honoring my husband, who has been phenomenally understanding even though I have challenged his once conservative values, feelings and beliefs.


Welcome to Unmasked.

Feel free to shed your masks and comment.  No throwing tomatoes, though.  I tend to throw them back.